Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Operation Purity has been aborted
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
