Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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