that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
