people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
