I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
