do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
