I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
