Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
