I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
