Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
