I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
