Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
