one two three fourrrrnication!
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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