I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
