Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
