I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
