i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
