Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
