were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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