Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
