Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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