Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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