I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Congratulations! We have a period
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
