Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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