dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
