This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
