She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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