I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
