24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
