I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
