Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
