Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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