This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
