there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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