He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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