And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
