ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
