New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
