i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
