Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
