The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
