I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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