Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
