Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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