she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Randomize
