Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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