i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
