If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
