that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
