ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
