So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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