I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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